Hartnell Chanot: Divorce/Family Law Solicitors Exeter, Devon

Using Children as Weapons

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 13:00

Children are extremely observant, they notice and don't forget how you behave, even in difficult situations.

However amicable your split is/was children bear a good deal of the negative effects and this can damage their self-esteem. Successful parenting after a divorce involves putting your own difficulties to one side and making your children's needs your first priority.

How children are used

• Hijacking their important events
• Training them to take sides
• Putting them in the middle
• Using them as a confidant
• Burdening them with adult problems
• Exposing them to conflict
• Taking away the carefree, innocence that children have a right to

Why does it happen?

• To demonstrate the negative consequence of action you don't like
• To exert power over someone who makes you feel powerless
• To hurt something dear to someone who you feel has hurt you
  

How people might justify it

• Well she left me and it hurt. I feel so miserable
• This is his mess and I'm buggered if I am going to clear it up
• I didn't want this its all her fault
• I told you the children would be badly affected and look they are
• She chose not to be here so she needn't think she is having it all.

Understand the harm it does

• Children used in this way are having a miserable childhood
• Children who are treated in this way will grow up to be adults who will judge this behaviour unfavourably
• Children used in this way may develop self-esteem, communication and trust issues
• Children used in this way may grow up to be screwed up adults.
• Behaving like this will not make you feel good
• This behaviour is not consistent with good parenting
• Behaving like this will not make anything better, rather radically worse.
• By doing this you are jeopardising your relationship with the children now and in the future
• Accept in the cold light of day that this is not only madness but cruel

Source: Kate & Emily