What To Say To Your Children About Divorce

What to say

It’s essential to tell children clearly that it is not because of them that you are splitting up

All children, whatever their age need information to help them understand. It may be tempting to say as little as possible in order to spare their feelings, but without information, children can fantasize and come up with answers for themselves.

It can be difficult to decide just how much information children are capable of facing and this will depend on their age and how you normally communicate with them day to day.

Be honest

Tell your children what’s happening in an open and honest way. If you tell them half-truths they can become confused and distressed. For example, if you tell them ‘mummy had to go away for a while’ they are likely to wonder a great deal about why she has gone and when she’s coming back. If she then doesn’t come back, they may feel betrayed.

Although your children may be devastated by the news, it’s important not to give them false information to make them feel better. For example, if you tell them that nothing has to change, they will be temporarily reassured by this, but will quickly find that everything actually is changing for them and then feel confused.

Keep it brief and stay calm

Try to stay calm and keep the information clear and brief. It can be a big shock to children, even if they were expecting it, to hear their parents are splitting up and they may not be able to cope with being over-burdened by information.

Don’t pour out all the complex reasons behind the split and avoid blaming or criticising your ex-partner if you can. This may make your children feel they have to take sides and this can be very distressing.

Explain it’s not their fault

However well you explain to children that you are getting divorced, they are unlikely to be able to understand the nature of adult relationships. Bear in mind how anxious they can be about whether they have done something, however trivial, to cause the break-up.

For this reason it’s essential to tell children, whatever their age, clearly that it is not because of them that you are splitting up. You might want to explain that while you are splitting up from each other, an adults’ love for each other can change whereas a parent’s love for their child is forever and never changes.

It’s worth repeating this over the next few days, weeks and beyond. Children may take it on board at the time, but their head may be full of anxieties and the information can fade and guilty feelings may creep back in. So, re-assure them as often as you can that it is not their fault and nothing they could have done would have changed it.

Tell them you love them

It is common for children to think that if you have stopped loving each other, you will stop loving them. Once again, you will need to be very clear and reassure them that you have loved them since the day they were born and that nothing will change the way mummy or daddy feels about them no matter what.