After your parent’s divorce you may live in two homes. Sometimes this means you live in one home most of the time and have another home where you visit and stay over with the other parent. It can also mean you live half of the time with one parent and half with the other.

This can be confusing at first and all the changes will take a bit of getting used to. There are a few things you can do to make life easier:

• If one of your parents is moving to a new area ask them to show you around before you move in – this will help you get a bit more used to things.
• Decorate your new room with things you like. Put up pictures and photographs of friends and family and make sure it’s a nice place to be.
• If you are keeping your old room for half the week you might want to redecorate this too for a fresh start.
• Sit down with your mum and dad and decide what the rules are going to be at each house. They don’t need to be the same for both parents but you all need to know where you stand.
• Ask your parents to buy two sets of the important things like toothbrushes, underwear, hairbrushes, and toiletries.
• Sit down with a calendar and work out with your parents which days you will be at which house (don’t forget to include school holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc.)

“At first I felt really sad when it was time to go to dad’s for the other half of the week but he bought me food I really liked and he’s got really into playing my computer games with me after tea. Now I look forward to it.” Ben 13.

After your parent’s divorce, your mum or dad might decide not to have contact with you anymore. This is always very difficult to understand and it’s important to remember it is never your fault.

There are many reasons why one of your parents may decide not to have contact with you. Divorce can be difficult and overwhelming and they may think it’s in your best interests not to see them anymore. Sometimes, parents can get very sad and angry and their only way to cope is not to see their children anymore.

Sometimes, one of your parents may not be allowed to see you anymore because they have been hurting you in some way and you need to be protected from them. Although it may be a relief not to see them anymore because they were hurting you, it is normal to have very mixed feeling about it and to miss them.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Losing contact with your mum or dad can be very difficult to cope with and there are many people out there who can help you get through it and understand it. Speak to the parent you still live with and tell them how you feel. If you can’t do this, speak to your social worker if you have one, or a school counsellor who can give you help and advice or contact one of the many helplines for young people in your situation.

Remember you are not alone.

There are many great organisations who can help you – check out our who to talk to category for links and contact details to useful organisations.

Family break up can mean you see less of the parent you no longer live with. Often you will see them for regular visits at weekends, once a month or during school holidays. These visits are called ‘contact’ visits.

Lots of young people say that keeping in contact with both parents helps them to deal with the difficulties of family break-up and helps them feel part of a loving family.

Sometimes, one of your parents might move away and face-to-face contact becomes less regular. It’s especially important in this case to make use of other ways of keeping in touch.

“My dad moved 100 miles away and got a new job after my family broke up. At first I was really sad because I only saw him two weekends a month but then we started emailing each other twice a week. Now I look forward to his emails…some of them are really funny.” Josh 12.

Ways To Stay In Touch

There are many ways to keep in touch such as:

• Phone calls
• Email
• Text Messages
• Web Cams / Skype
• Letters
• Internet (social networking sites)

It’s fun to share photographs and videos with your parents over the Internet and keep them up to date with what you are doing. Remember though, your mum and dad may not be as up to speed with how the internet works and you might have to give them some help!

Plan Ahead

It often helps to arrange times to make phone calls.This way you can look forward to it and both make sure you will be in and ready to talk.

The biggest change when your parents get divorced is that you will no longer live with both of them as you did before.

Your mum and dad may arrange for you to spend half your time in one parent’s house and half in the others, or you might live with one parent and have contact visits with the other, maybe staying for weekends and school holidays.

It can take a while to get used to living with one parent and you may have lots of different feelings about it. You might have moved to a smaller house, or found your mum or dad has less money and needs to go to work more often. Your mum or dad may be very tired at the end of the day and you could feel they do not have time for you.

Helping Out

It can make things easier if you help out around the house more. This can help things run more smoothly and free up time for you to spend with your parents. Sometimes when your parents split up you can find that each of them is happier and more relaxed so that you have more enjoyable times with both of them.

When your parents split up they will have to make very important decisions about their future and yours. The decision that most affects you will concern who will live with you for most of the time (called residence) and how often you will see the parent who does not live with you (called contact).

Often the decision about who you will live with can be made by your parents together but occasionally if parents can’t agree they have to use a mediator. A mediator helps each parent to talk about his or her feelings and put their case forward for what should happen in your future.

If they still cannot agree, each parent can ask a lawyer to speak on their behalf and ask a Judge to decide. A Judge or Magistrate listens to both of your parents and comes to a decision for them.

Depending on your age, a Cafcass Children and Families Reporter will come and ask you what your feelings are on the issues in your family. Try to be honest if they ask you questions. It will help everyone to make the best decision.

Questions You May Have

When you find your parents are splitting up you will probably have some worries about the future. This is completely normal and an important part of moving forward in your family life.

Below are some questions you may have:

• Who am I going to live with?
• Will we have to move house?
• Will I have to change schools and leave my friends?
• Who is going to look after my pet?
• What will happen at Birthdays and Christmas.
• Will I have to choose between my parents?
• Can I still see mum/dad if they leave home?
• Will I live with my brothers/sisters?

Try to find time to talk to your parents about your worries and make sure you let them know your views. Your parents will need to know what you think to help them make decisions, and you will feel that you have had your say and been listened to.

If it helps, write your questions down before you speak to them – this keep things clear. They may not be able to give you an answer straight away but they can then keep you up to date on the changes happening in your lives.

When families break up some things change and others stay the same. Lots of things you used to do will stay the same. You will still get up and go to school, see your friends and enjoy your hobbies and interests as before.

“When my mum and dad broke up dad moved out to live in a flat. Now I go and stay with him at weekends and live with mum in the week. I stayed at the same school though and still live near my friends.” James, 12.

You are still you, no matter how many parents you live with. It may help to remember you are not the only one whose parents are divorced. It may be easier to tell your friends one at a time. Spending time with friends may make you feel less lonely. Good friends will be a comfort to you.

“Mum and dad don’t live together anymore but they both come to parent’s evening and they both still want to read my school report!” Tory, 10.

“We moved house and I went to a new school. I was nervous at first but I joined the football club and that helped me make new friends.” Jack 11.

“Mum has got a full time job now so I have to be more helpful around the house and try to put my clothes away.” Joe, 13.

Your parents may need you to take care of yourself a little more. You can make things easier for your parents if you pitch in and help.

If it helps, write your questions down before you speak to them – this keep things clear. They may not be able to give you an answer straight away but they can then keep you up to date on the changes happening in your lives.

Hearing that your parents are going to split up can cause a mix of emotions. You feel confused and out of control and as if you have too much to cope with.

This is a normal reaction to a difficult situation and these feelings will change over time. You may also feel sad, angry, afraid and worried about who will take care of you.

You might think that divorce only really affects very little children but when your family breaks up it can be just as hard on young people and teenagers too. Even though you are more independent of your parents and have interests and friends of your own, it is still a shock and you can still struggle to come to terms with the situation.

Anger

“When my parents split up I felt really angry but I didn’t know why. The school counsellor explained it’s okay to feel angry with your parents for separating and that the feelings would settle down after a time.” Emily, 13.

If you feel angry tell your parents and look for ways to release your anger that does not hurt others or yourself.

Sadness

It is normal and in fact very healthy to feel sadness when your parent’s split up. You are experiencing loss and everybody around you will be feeling sad. These feelings may be worse at night or when you are alone but don’t be afraid to have a good cry when you need to as this is a good way to let out sad feelings.

If you feel afraid or confused about what is happening in your family, tell your parents how you feel and ask questions.

Guilt

You may feel guilt when your parents divorce and think that you should have done something to change the situation. You may see one or both of your parents feeling sad, angry or lonely and feel powerless to help them. Don’t be afraid to talk about how you are feeling with your parents, a trusted friend or teacher as this will help you make sense of your feelings.

Scared

When you parents split up you can feel lost, out of control and worried about the future. This is completely normal and can be helped by talking to a friend or relative who has been through similar experiences, by writing your feelings down or even by doing some exercise or just kicking a ball around with friends

Physical Feelings

When you experience difficult things such as a change in your life and routine, it is normal to feel upset and that can include physical feelings too. You may find you lose your appetite, have trouble sleeping and feel tired and unwell. If you are worried about any of these feelings, mention it to your parents, a teacher or another relative. It’s important to let people know and will often help these feelings get better.

In the middle of a divorce, parents can become tired and confused and get things wrong. In this situation, you can become stuck in the middle.

Your parents may use you to pass messages to each other or complain about the other parent. Occasionally, one or both of your parents might also ask you questions about what the other is doing or who you like the best.

You do not have to listen when parents say bad things about each other. Say you love them both and hearing this upsets you. You may have to say this more than once.

Remember, divorce is new for your parents too and they may make mistakes.

What You Should Expect

Even if they are splitting up, your parents are still both responsible for looking after you and you should be able to expect them to:

• Behave well towards each other when you are around.
• Be able to sit down together and talk about things to do with you.
• Talk to you about spending time with both your parents and the people you love.

It is hard but if your parents are doing things that are upsetting and hurting you, it can really help to tell them about it. Choose a time when things have calmed down or if you really can’t face talking to them, write them a letter.

Is It My Fault?

“A few months before my parents split up I had been in trouble at school and mum and dad had been called in to see the teacher. When my dad moved out I felt really guilty – like I had something to do with it. One weekend visit I talked to him about it and he was really shocked. He told me that he and mum hadn’t been getting on for a long time – before I even went to that school, and that they just couldn’t live together any more and be happy.” Matt, 12.

It is common to feel that it might be your fault your parents are splitting up. You may wonder if it might not have happened if you had behaved better or not asked for new clothes or kept your room tidier. You may have heard your parents arguing about you leading up to the divorce, and believe that they are angry or upset with you.

It’s natural to feel that it could be your fault. Divorce is an upsetting and confusing time and you are trying to make sense of a difficult and complicated situation.

Remember that parent’s feelings towards each other are different from their love for you. Whilst their feelings towards each other have changed, their feelings for you will be the same. Even if they are very angry and upset with each other, this is completely separate from their love for you. A parent’s love for you is unconditional whereas the love between two adults can change and break down.