In the 21st century, families come in different shapes. You may live with your mother and father, or as part of a step-family or you may be living with your grandparents.

Grandparents are more involved in young people’s lives now than ever before. They often look after children while their parents are at work and sometimes, when it is not possible for those children to live with their parents, they look after them all the time.

When your parents break up, if you go to live with your grandparents, it will be a big change for you. You may have seen them before for visits or weekends but living with them all the time is different and may be confusing at first. You may miss living with your parents and feel sad and this is completely normal.

As with all changes following family break up, it’s important to talk about your feelings. Try speaking to your grandparents about how you feel and see if you can work together to makes things better. If you can’t talk to your grandparents, speak to your teacher, school counsellor or social worker if you have one.

You might find your grandparents have different ideas about house rules and it’s important to talk to them about what they are. See if you can tell them what you are used to and if you can come to an agreement about how you’re going to live together. Remember, they may be much older than you, but they do love you and have a lot of fun and wisdom to offer.

If your mum or dad gets married again, you will gain a step-mother or father as part of your family. It can be hard to get used to having another adult in your life. You mum or dad may have got to know them but chances are, you don’t know them all that well yet.

What Should I Call Them?

“When Tim moved in with us I didn’t know what to call him. I thought he might want me to call him dad but I didn’t want to. One day I just blurted it out and asked him and he said he was quite happy with Tim. It was a big relief.” Ewan, 14

It can be hard to know how to behave with a new adult. A good idea in the beginning is to treat them like a teacher or your friend’s parents – be polite, show respect and be open and friendly. You are both getting to know each other and over time you will find a way to get along.

Will There Be New Rules?

A new step-parent can have different ideas about family rules, especially if they have children of their own. Things like mealtimes, what you wear, going out with friends, what time to come in and bedtimes can cause real problems in a new family if you don’t know where you stand.

It’s a good idea to ask your mum or dad if you can all sit down with the whole family and work out the new rules. Write them down if you need to, then everyone knows what was decided. This can really help everyone to get along better

I Can’t Stand My New Step Parent!

It is sometimes hard for people from different families to get along. You have just watched your own parents break up and now there is a new adult making new rules and living in your home. Don’t expect things to work straight away, it nearly always takes time to settle down.

It can help to think about what it is you really can’t stand about them. Is it that they tell you to go to bed at an earlier time than you’re used to? Or do they expect you to come in much earlier than before? Once you’ve worked out what is bothering you, you can speak to your mum or dad and tell them what it is. Try not to say ‘I just hate them’ as this won’t help things, just tell them the facts and see if they can do anything to sort it out.

If you are really worried and unhappy about your new Step-parent, or if his or her behaviour is making you really miserable – it’s very important that you speak to someone. If you can’t speak to someone in your family, talk to someone you can trust such as a teacher or counsellor at a young person’s helpline. You are not alone, there are plenty of people who have been through this and want to help you.

Your mum or dad might form a serious relationship or marry someone who already has his or her own children. Together you form a new step-family. Lots of families live this way today and you probably already know people at school who have step-brothers and sisters.

Sometimes your parent’s new partner moves into your home and brings his or her children with them and sometimes you might visit your step-family when your other parent starts living with someone new. If both your mum and dad meet new people you could share your time equally between two step-families.

You may find you settle in quite quickly to life with your new step-family – but you could also find it really hard to adapt. Here are a few tips to make it easier.

• Remember no family is ‘perfect’ there will always be arguments and problems but they can be overcome.
• Try to give your step-brothers and sisters a chance. This will help you all get along in the long run.
• See if you can sit down as a family and agree your new rules. You can even write them down so everyone can see them.
• Ask your mum or dad to make sure you get some private space. Even if you have to share a room, a cupboard with a lock may be enough.
• Don’t be afraid to tell your mum or dad if you are unhappy. Talking about it can make things better.
• If you can’t speak to your family, speak to a relative, teacher or counsellor. Or look for a young people’s helpline.
• Suggest doing something fun as a family together, spending time with your new family will help you get to know them.
• Give it time. Step-families are complicated and it will take time for everyone to get used to it.

You may feel as if your world has fallen apart but it can be put back together again and you can look forward to a more settled future. You and your parents now have the chance to rebuild your lives and find happiness in different ways.

After things have settled down you may find the atmosphere at home is less stressful now that your parents are no longer living together. Also you may get to spend more quality time with each of your parents when you see them separately. Your parents may feel calmer and be nicer to spend time with. You may get to know them even better.

Coping with a difficult situation like divorce can make you feel stronger as a person. The experience can also help you to help others who are going through similar problems.

Family life will never be exactly the same again after a break up but it can survive the changes and go on to be a happy new beginning for all.

One thing that will never change is that your parents will always love you.

One of the changes that can take place when your parents break up is starting a new school. Leaving your old friends behind and starting somewhere new can feel scary – anyone who has to make a new start somewhere often feels sad, confused and angry and this is completely normal.

It might help to have a good look round at your new school before you start and get to know the building. This will help you feel more at home when you start and give you more confidence.

Here are some tips to help you:

• Be yourself. It can be tempting to try and fit in with new people but you will always feel more confident if you are yourself.
• Take it slowly, it takes time to make friends. Start with one person you like and take it from there.
• Stand up for yourself. If anyone tries to make you feel bad hold your head up high.
• You can’t be friends with everybody, just choose the people you have most in common with.

If you really are struggling to settle, talk to your mum or dad, a teacher or the close relative. It can really help to get it off your chest.

Stay in touch with your old friends too and invite them up to visit. It can help to have good times with people you know when you’re finding your feet in a new place.