An article by Bob Grieg, Director of OnlyDads.

The aims of this short article are varied. In essence I hope it will:

• Offer some guidance on how to keep your head up during what will be (or is) undoubtedly a difficult situation for you.
• Provide a note of caution that family break-up combined with the legal process is a dangerous concoction, which may well spill over into other areas of your life.
• Offer a glimpse of sunlight at the end of the tunnel.

My own journey through the Family Law Courts

I found myself talking with a family solicitor for the first time in May 2004 with tears spilling down my face. My marriage was ending, I was in a state of abject grief, confused, and if I am honest more than a little panic stricken. I was very scared about the process ahead of me. My solicitor was reassuring and kind, but I didn’t understand what she was saying to me – not on this occasion. The backdrop to this first appointment was further complicated because my two daughters were so upset at their parents break-up, I just knew that I wasn’t doing my paid job properly, I wasn’t eating properly, and generally life was in a mess. A big mess.

I found myself in a Family Court a few days later. The environment was strange and so very formal – I remember reading instructions on the seat in front of me informing me on how I should address the Judge if spoken to -”Your Honour” if you are in front of a Circuit Judge, but only “Sir” for District Judges. Definitely not Dave! While not necessarily unfriendly, the whole scenario seemed to have little to do with modern Britain. I was reminded of scenes from those old black and white films shot in headmasters’ studies in minor public schools. Oh, and during the 30 minutes proceedings I felt that I was largely ignored.

I was nervous throughout the court hearing – and when we walked out I had little understanding of what had been agreed. My solicitor was with me though, and once outside she was able to explain to me that “everything was OK”.

Everything wasn’t OK. What was happening in that court room was just one part of an unravelling life. Or should I say lives?

Things get worse

Months after separation and well into the court process I found that I had lost two stone in weight, I was having “little chats” with my boss at work on a regular basis. Every evening at home I was on the ‘phone updating people as to what was happening. I was getting increasingly exhausted. My GP was telling me to sign off sick – I explained that I couldn’t because I would lose my job, and the house was a mess, and my children were still crying in the night and I started to feel that I couldn’t go on. Every time I picked up court papers from the “other side”, I read and re-read that I was supposed to have done really terrible things – and the frustration is you can’t really reply at that precise moment. You just have to bottle it all up. And when you do get to court, you will hear judges and solicitors say things like “we put your children first”, and you want to scream at the top of your voice that you (and perhaps only you) put your children before everything else…The situation and the sense of utter frustration can became unbearable.

And then worse still

Sometime later, while at work I started to feel dizzy. Very dizzy. My heart was pounding and when I got up from my seat I could barely stand, and I became convinced that I was having a heart attack. Suddenly I became desperately frightened…I really did think that I was going to die that day. When I eventually got to my bed that night I was crying again – my tears and fears had worn me down to breaking point.

And I think this is important. Family break-up will impinge upon every area of your life – make no mistake. This process of negative life change will be punctuated by court hearings. They are important moments – but they are just that. Moments. And the build-up and your sense of frustration and anger and willingness for the truth to spill out will need to be diluted and channelled through formal documents and through words carefully chosen by your solicitor. If you are anything like me you will sit there praying that “His Honour” will break into proceedings and put his arm around you and take you to one side and just say something like “tell me what’s this really about son – tell me the truth – you’ll be alright”. But they don’t do that sort of thing, and I so wish they did!

And out of this bitter experience it seems almost illogical to try and offer survival tips – but I did survive (and not all men do). And for what it’s worth have a read just to see if it helps.

• Instruct your solicitor well – easier said than done. But do this please. Ask yourself what will be the best outcome for your children. Be honest with yourself. And when you have the answer. Ask again. And again. “Putting children first” is the hardest thing to get right. And when you come up with the final answer – ensure your solicitor understands your wishes and why you have come up with the views you have. I found this the hardest of things – and of course positions and situations change so further and ongoing reflection will be required. And forget “winning” or “losing”. This really is about getting the best for your children out of a horrible situation.
• Don’t get caught up in the madness. Don’t repay lies with more lies. Rise above it. I know about the anger you may be feeling – but sometimes (and Family Court is an example) we have to behave like true men. Family Court is a legal machine so just stick to the truth and be polite. All men I know have a bit of Horrid Henry and Perfect Peter in them. It’s the way we are made. So when your ex is describing you as someone akin to Joseph Mengele’s long lost son, be assured that the judge will be wondering why it is she spent so long with you if you were that bad!. No, rise above it and just be honest. And remember, Judges have heard it all before a thousand times – and the truth does have a habit of coming out in the end.
• Get a really tight circle of friends together – I suggest (tentatively) that finding a few mums who have been through the process and clearly love their children can prove a really good sounding board. Much of this process needs time for quiet, educated and reflective advice. And while letting off steam over a beer with your mates is necessary, much wisdom can be gained by having someone who will listen to you and really get to understand where you are at.
• Talk to your children – Now how hard is this? The best advice I can offer on this point is twofold. Firstly, never underestimate your children’s ability to understand things. Secondly, always tell them the truth, but tell them the truth kindly.

And finally, don’t be afraid to seek help – sometimes the pressure of it all can get to us – and knowing where that help is available and how to access it can be so important. Talk to your solicitor, or friends, or contact us at info@onlydads.org or visit your local citizens advice bureau…you need not suffer alone.

I have titled this piece “surviving” and on reflection, I think that is the word to use. For those dads who are just about to start the process, please take care of yourself to the best of your ability. You will need strength in the years ahead.

And above all remember – there is a generational thing going on here and your children will want to learn one day that you thought through the issues and worked hard and tried everything you could to put their interests first. And that is all anyone can ask of you.

And to finish the story…

Well, having been made redundant, and with bags of care from my GP, and four years on, the girls and I are getting back on our feet. I now run www.onlydads.org and the girls are doing well at school and fill my life…!

But guess what, I’m back to court next month for another “Directions Hearing”! Many of you reading this may find that the legal process you are in can go on and on. And on…

Bob Greig is Director of OnlyDads and lives in Totnes, Devon with his two daughters, Priya and Anya.

OnlyDads came about following Bob’s sense of frustration at not knowing any other single dads in his area and to address the needs of a growing but silent minority of lone fathers.

Join Bob as he offers some much needed solutions to your parenting matters, and talks about life as a single father from doing the school run to dating, shopping and most importantly how to relax!

Welcome to life as a single father!

Experiences as a School Governor and as a Trustee for a Parenting Charity on Dartmoor have helped shaped my belief that parenting is a difficult business, and doing it on your own simply compounds the challenges.

Like many lone-parents, I have found that juggling work, the house, money, shopping and cooking (the list goes on!)…while trying to do your best by your children can prove really difficult. Sometimes too difficult.

Since becoming a lone parent, my CV has gained some unwelcome additions – ill-health (panic and anxiety attacks), redundancy, and a glaring absence of hobbies and interests. All sadly normal for many lone parents in the UK. But, through the hard days, we learn the true value of friends and family, we can learn the skill of asking for help when we need it, and above all, the sense of fulfilment that comes in seeing our children grow up.

As Director of OnlyDads, I am often asked what advice I would give to a new single parent? The answer is twofold – firstly, find your true support network (real friends), and secondly, don’t be too hard on yourself – what’s the expression ‘cut yourself some slack!

Bob Greig

An estimated 18 million people in Britain today are part of a step-family. A relationship with a woman who already has children inevitably brings with it a good deal of extra responsibility.

If you don’t have children of your own, you are gaining an instant family. If you already have children of your own, you will face the daunting task of merging two families together. However sensitively this is managed, there is bound to be conflict along the way. Below we have put together some hints and tips to make the process a little easier.

• Give it time. Becoming a step-parent is a complex task with lots of feelings to consider.
• Sit down with your partner and discuss the fundamental issues about eating, sleeping and discipline within a family.
• Be open and honest about your expectations and encourage your partner, children and step-children to do the same.
• Accept that your partner and her children will already have established models of discipline and support her with them.
• Be realistic. You may never be able to love your partner’s children the same way as your own but you can aim to build a fulfilling and healthy relationship with them.
• Expect to experience feelings of guilt. It may be that you will be spending more time with your step-children than with your own and you may feel torn between them.
• Continue to spend quality time alone with your own children and encourage your partner to do the same with hers. This will provide much needed reassurance to all concerned.
• Don’t be tempted to speak negatively about their biological father and support their need to maintain close bonds with them.
• If you are merging two families into one home, sit down regularly together to discuss issues affecting everyone and draw up house rules.
• Don’t strive for perfection – all families have their ups and downs. If the majority of the time is harmonious you are doing a great job!

It is natural that there will be some conflict. Children can be fiercely loyal to their biological parents and naturally find it challenging to accept a new ‘father figure’ into their lives. Nevertheless, children often appreciate the effort you are making to bring them on board even when the situation is difficult and becoming a step-dad can be a rewarding experience with the opportunity to create a stable and loving environment for everyone.

Parental Responsibility For Step-Dads

Step-dads can acquire Parental Responsibility through a formal agreement or Court Order but all others with parental responsibility must agree before it is granted.

On acquiring Parental Responsibility, a step-dads have the same duties and responsibilities as any other individual including a natural parent with Parental Responsibility. Same sex partners in a registered Civil Partnership are also able to acquire Parental Responsibility by formal agreement or Court Order.

Another order that results in Parental Responsibility to a step-dad or other individual (e.g. grandparent) is a Residence Order which regulates where a child will live and gives the individual with the Residence Order Parental Responsibility until the child is 16.

After the difficulties of divorce, you may find you have settled into a new routine with your children.

Sooner or later it’s likely you will feel ready to move on and meet a new partner and eventually for them to meet your children. This can be a nerve-wracking time for everyone concerned and needs to be approached with sensitivity.

Introducing a New Partner

Here are a few steps you might find useful:

• To maintain good communication, and avoid unnecessary upset and stress, it is advisable to introduce your new partner to your ex before introducing them to your children.
• Take things slowly. Your children may not yet have come to terms with your divorce and will need time to get used to the idea of a new partner in their lives.
• Keep your first introduction low key. Meet somewhere outside the home – ten-pin bowling can work well – and keep it short and simple.
• You may have come to love and trust your new partner but remember your children are meeting them for the first time.
• If you are planning to have your partner stay overnight, build up to it gradually. Let your children get to know them as a visiting guest to their home first.
• Jealousy is natural. Work to maintain your parent/child bond and reassure your children that your new relationship does not diminish your relationship with them.
• Let your children set the pace. It’s tempting to push things forward but learn to take your cues from them.
• Encourage your children to use your partner’s first name.
• If your new partner was involved in your relationship break-up, bear in mind it may take your children longer to re-adjust.

Sometimes no matter how sensitively you introduce a new partner, your children may just not be ready for it. They must remain your priority.