Category Archives: Just Dads

How To Deal With Your Ex’s New Partner

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Following your divorce, it’s natural your ex-partner may eventually meet someone else who becomes a significant part of your children’s lives.

Dealing With Change

If time with your children is limited, you may worry they will spending considerably more time with your ex’s new partner and even come to call him ‘dad.’ The situation is bound to make you feel insecure and is likely to cause feelings of anger, hurt and jealousy. These emotions are unavoidable, but the way you deal with them could determine your relationship with your children in the long-term.

Find an Outlet For Your Emotions

Bottling up your feelings can make you ill, so you need to find a release. Take up a sport, go to the gym or even go for a walk around the block – anything you can do to vent your frustration. You might benefit from talking with someone outside the family such as a friend, counsellor or even your GP. If you can master these difficult emotions you will have more to offer your children when you do see them.

Things To Avoid

  • Don’t make negative comments about the new partner to your children, even if they do.
  • It is tempting to compete with the new partner by treating your children to toys or special trips, but try to resist doing this.
  • Don’t go out of your way to avoid the new partner. You don’t need to be best friends but a positive relationship will benefit your children.
  • Don’t compare yourself to the new partner or embark on a new relationship just to ‘even the score.’
  • Don’t question your children about your ex and her new partner.

A Way Forward

You will always be your children’s father and the arrival of your ex’s new partner gives you an opportunity to strengthen your bond with them further. It is likely that they are feeling unsettled themselves and will need your unconditional love and support.

Make an effort to spend quality time with them and stick to your normal routines when they visit – this can be very reassuring. Go to the park, cook some food together or just go for a walk.

Do

  • Encourage your children to build a relationship with your ex’s new partner.
  • Introduce yourself to him and maintain a civil manner when talking.
  • Have fun with your children and take part in their favourite activities.
  • Have confidence in yourself as a father – just be yourself and your children will appreciate it
  • Listen to your children and be non-judgemental.

Remember however difficult this is for you, it is most challenging for your children. The best you can offer them is love, commitment and understanding and that way you safeguard your relationship for the future – no matter what.

New Relationships

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After the difficulties of divorce, you may find you have settled into a new routine with your children.

Sooner or later it’s likely you will feel ready to move on and meet a new partner and eventually for them to meet your children. This can be a nerve-wracking time for everyone concerned and needs to be approached with sensitivity.

Introducing a New Partner

Here are a few steps you might find useful:

  • To maintain good communication, and avoid unnecessary upset and stress, it is advisable to introduce your new partner to your ex before introducing them to your children.
  • Take things slowly. Your children may not yet have come to terms with your divorce and will need time to get used to the idea of a new partner in their lives.
  • Keep your first introduction low key. Meet somewhere outside the home – ten-pin bowling can work well – and keep it short and simple.
  • You may have come to love and trust your new partner but remember your children are meeting them for the first time.
  • If you are planning to have your partner stay overnight, build up to it gradually. Let your children get to know them as a visiting guest to their home first.
  • Jealousy is natural. Work to maintain your parent/child bond and reassure your children that your new relationship does not diminish your relationship with them.
  • Let your children set the pace. It’s tempting to push things forward but learn to take your cues from them.
  • Encourage your children to use your partner’s first name.
  • If your new partner was involved in your relationship break-up, bear in mind it may take your children longer to re-adjust.

Sometimes no matter how sensitively you introduce a new partner, your children may just not be ready for it. They must remain your priority.

 

The Importance Of Extended Family

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When you marry and have children, many relationships are formed above and beyond your own.

Grandparent, aunts, uncles, and cousins are created and the ties between these people and your children can be significant.

With many couples both going out to work, Grandparents are undertaking a greater role in childcare, resulting in closer bonds with their grandchildren.

The Importance of Contact

When you go through a break up, links between your children and your extended family can easily deteriorate. It is widely agreed that positive relationships with extended family members contribute to a child’s development and self worth, and both parties suffer when this bond is broken.

With this in mind we have put together some guidance you might find useful.

  • Always put your children first and consider what is best for themRemember people change. Family members may have taken sides during your divorce but now wish to reconsider in the light of what is best for the children.
  • Encourage your children to have contact with extended family and let them know you think it is a positive thing to do.
  • Make an effort to include relatives by sending photos and birthday cards from the children.
  • Invite extended family members to special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas. If this is not possible, try to make alternative dates for them to see the children.
  • Don’t be tempted to quiz your children about their visits but be open and receptive to hearing about their time spent with relatives.

As with all aspects of divorce, children tend to suffer the most from the changes that take place in their lives. Making an effort to keep them in contact with their extended family can go some way to helping them regain stability for their future.

Living Away

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There are many reasons for a father to move away following a divorce.

Some move to be nearer family and friends, others find themselves having to work away. It may not always be your choice, especially if your ex-partner meets someone new and decides to move, taking the children with them.

Whatever the reason, any parent relocating can be upsetting for the children and for this reason it’s essential to their welfare that you maintain regular contact.

Keep In Touch

Invite your children to stay for regular weekend and holiday visits. For everyone’s convenience arrange visits in advance and mark them up with your children on a calendar so they can look forward to it.

Make The Most of Modern Technology

Between visits, email and texts provide the perfect way to communicate with your children. Phone calls are also a good way to stay in touch. It’s a good idea to create a schedule for them so both you and your children know when to be available.

Keep Your Word

A parent moving away can be a source of great anxiety to children. It is essential, therefore, that you are 100% reliable in all your contact arrangements. This means phoning when you say you will, being on time to collect or drop them off and making them your number one priority.

Make The Most Of Your Time

Living away makes it more difficult to see your children and travelling between parents can also be stressful for them. Make an effort to ensure you enjoy quality time together, cooking a meal, going to the park, watching a family film, reading, and lots of cuddles are all ideal. Occasional treats are good, but low key family activities are most reassuring. Above all, be affectionate and let them know you love and care for them even though you live away.

Quality Time With Your Children

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The break up of a relationship can be a difficult time for everyone and children often struggle to come to terms with changes within the family.

Whether you see your children for half the week, at weekends or for just a few hours, it’s important to make them your number one priority and to be the best father you can. To help, we have put together a few points for you to consider.

  • Be reliable. It’s essential to be on time for visits and to keep to any arrangements you make with your children.
  • Communicate with your children and be open and honest, even if it means answering difficult questions. They will appreciate it.
  • Be affectionate with your children and offer reassurance where you can.
  • Don’t make negative comments about your ex-partner, even if your children do, try to remain neutral.

Spending quality time together

Since you may be seeing your children less often, it is important to make sure that you have quality time together. You don’t have to organise lavish treats, but you do need to take steps to ensure you really make the most of your time. Below are a few hints to make visits a good experience for all of you.

  • Establish a routine to your visits so children feel secure in what to expect.
  • Let your children make the decisions about activities and do what they want to do (within reason!)
  • Keep visits realistic and manageable. If you only have a couple of hours, a trip to the local park may be enough.
  • Focus on your children in the time you have and try to get involved and have fun.

The best things in life are free…

If finances are a problem, some of the best activities cost very little. You can spend the afternoon in the kitchen making a pizza, run round the park with a ball, read together, do some painting or just go for a walk. The important thing is that you are spending time together.

Establish routines

Overnight visits are the perfect opportunity to establish your own special routines. Why not decorate the bedroom your children will be staying in and let them choose their own duvet covers and put up favourite posters. Serve their favourite meal and for younger children bedtime stories are a good way to connect.

Why Contact Is Essential

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Although there are no set rules about how frequently children should see their non-resident parent, it is generally considered to be in the child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents, unless of course there have been issues of abuse.

Children are most vulnerable when separated parents find it difficult to agree on contact, and astonishingly about 60% of fathers lose contact with their children within three years of divorcing. Studies show that these children are less likely to succeed at school and are more likely to suffer from insecurity and anxiety.

Why contact and access to children is essential:

  • Children blame themselves for their parents’ separation.
  • Children view the separation as a rejection of them. This is magnified if they lose contact with one parent.
  • Children create a fantasy figure for the missing parent.
  • Children have more difficulty forming relationships in adulthood if they have no contact with one of their parents.
  • Children cope better with their parents’ separation and divorce if they retain a relationship with both parents.

Successful Parenting After Divorce

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During and after a divorce, children find themselves confronted with difficult emotions. There may have been hostility preceding separation, ending with one of their parents moving out.

However amicable the split was, or how sensitively it was handled, children bear a good deal of the negative effects and this can damage their self-esteem. Successful parenting after a divorce involves putting your own difficulties to one side and making your children’s needs your first priority.

Work with your ex-partner

It’s essential to your children’s well being that you and your ex-partner can co-operate in parenting, even after your break up. Consequently, you should aim to meet regularly away from the children in order to discuss and resolve problems as they arise.

Keep to the old routine

Try to retain as many rules as you can from the time when you were together as a family. Stick to old routines for getting dressed, going out, cooking together etc. This will ensure your children know what to expect from each of you and promote stability.

Resolve disputes away from the children

Children’s loyalties are already strained during a divorce and it can cause great anxiety if they witness hostility between parents. Try to resolve disputes regarding parenting away from the home and do your best to find common ground.

Stick to the plot

Be on time for your children when collecting or returning them. Waiting around makes children feel fretful and gets your visit off to a poor start. Similarly, try not to make last minute changes with your ex-partner since this causes stress for everyone. If you do need to make alternative arrangements – agree it with your ex partner first before you tell the children.

Being A Good Dad

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Fathers with Parental Responsibility have rights and responsibilities to their children. In return for these responsibilities, you have contact with your children, and the Family Courts have to do everything possible for you to see your children.

Having an amicable relationship with your ex is the best way to stay in close touch with your children and, although not legally binding, it is a good idea to have all of the details concerning contact (who, when, where, or possible restrictions) in writing, to avoid potential conflict in the future.

Stick to the arrangements

If contact and residence rights have been agreed between you and your ex without going to court, it is important that you both stick to the arrangements established: arriving promptly for each visit: and never missing a visit. Missed visits with a parent can be extremely harmful to your child, and if one parent consistently misses scheduled visitations, the Courts may intervene to protect your child.

Be flexible

If arrangements have been worked out privately, or in mediation, court-issued contact orders will prove unnecessary. However, even where a Contact Order is issued, often the parents are allowed to work out the details for themselves. Be flexible and open to suggestions.

Taking your child on holiday

Unless you have residence, you should not attempt to take your children out of the country, even for a short holiday, without written permission from their mother.

If you are experiencing contact issues, or you feel that your partner is being unreasonable, please contact us for further information.

Single Parent Holidays

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If the thought of going on holiday alone with your children fills you with dread, don’t worry, there are plenty of destinations now catering for lone parent families who want to have fun.

From specialist travel companies catering specifically for lone parents to low-cost adventure holidays suitable for any combination of people, you can plan your getaway in the UK or abroad and be sure everyone will have a good time.

Lone Parent Specialist Holidays

Many companies have put together tailored holidays in the UK and abroad, carefully selecting family friendly hotels and destinations with every interest catered for. From cruises to beach holidays, winter sports and activity holidays, these companies often provide crèche facilities for younger children, supervised activities and clubs for pre-teens and discos/events for teenagers leaving you free to socialise.

Holidays With Family and Friends

To ensure the company of other adults for you and playmates for your children, why not consider going on holiday with friends or family who have children of their own. If you are not in contact with other families, why not take a your parents or a sibling along? This gives your children the opportunity to strengthen their bonds with extended family and give you company or babysitting in the evenings.

Holidays on a Budget

If finances are tight, why not try camping? There are many low cost campsites around the South West and children love nothing more than mucking in with campfires, eating outdoors and spooky stories by torchlight. Alternatively, look out in newspapers and the internet for promotions on holidays parks. If you plan ahead and book early, you can often get a substantial discount. If your children are pre-school age, you can book out of season and make great savings.

Take Time Off For You

In order for your children to get the most out of a holiday, you need visit destinations of their choice. As a lone parent, holidays with your children help strengthen the bond between you and allow you to spend quality time with them. Don’t forget that you need time off too. Can you get Grandparents to babysit for a weekend and get away yourself with family or friends? Just a couple of days away can help you unwind and recharge your batteries.

Returning To Work

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Returning to work as a lone parent can be a daunting prospect. You now have to combine your abilities as an employee with your parental responsibilities and can feel pulled in opposite directions.

To achieve a successful work/life balance, it is likely you will need to make changes both to your working pattern and your childcare arrangements.

Flexible Working

Fortunately, employers are becoming more aware of the benefits of flexible working both for business and the employee. Legislation states that:

  • Parents of children aged under 6 or of disabled children aged under 18 have the right to apply to their employer for flexible working.
  • Your employer does not have to agree but must consider your request seriously and give valid business reasons if they refuse.
  • You have the right to appeal.
  • You have the right to apply every twelve months as your childcare needs change.

Put Your Case Positively

When putting together your application for flexible working, consider your childcare needs together with the needs of the business.

  • Seek out others working flexibly in your workplace.
  • Could your work pattern follow a similar one?
  • Consider possible objections to your application and find valid business reasons to counter them.
  • Accentuate the benefits of your flexible working. Can you cover busy times such as lunches?

If your application is granted and you are happy with it, make sure you get a revised contract.

Which Working Pattern Suits You?

Luckily, today the 9-5 working pattern is not seen as the only option. Many people choose to spread their hours as follows:

  • Part-time work allows you to reduce the number of hours you work per week. e.g. you could work 5 mornings per week or three full days. This can be done as a job share with another flexible worker.
  • Flexi-working gives you the opportunity to work more evenings and weekends. This is useful if you have a flexible childcare arrangement such as childminder or parent.
  • Tele-working, sometime called home working can be beneficial if you have the type of job which can be performed remotely using the internet. This can be self-employed or for an employer.
  • Compressed hours allow you to work long shifts over a few days i.e. 12 hour shifts over three days.

Parental Leave

As a working parent with one year’s continuous service at work, you’re entitled to up to 13 weeks parental leave for each child up until their 5th birthday (more if your child is disabled). Your employer does not have to pay for this leave but some may as part of your terms and conditions.